Tag Archives: anglican

Derek’s Definitions: ABSOLUTION

30 Sep

Derek's Definitions- ABSOLUTION











You can also find me at www.derekthecleric.com



That was predictable!

3 Sep

Dear Friends

It may come as a surprise to you that, whilst I may have embraced the World Wide Super Highway as if it were a long lost friend, I confess to more than a little trepidation when faced with all things technological.

Whilst many now sport one of the ubiquitous ‘smart phones’ I still prefer my trusty Nokia 6216 Classic. That I am somewhat limited as to what I can do on my faithful telephonic friend, my pleasure at sending texts (something which my archaic ‘device’ does permit me) has not diminished.

You may think that someone such as myself, who has an inclination to be a tad verbose, would be put off by this form of ‘dumbed down’ communication. Not a bit of it!

I consider myself equal to the good folk at Bletchley Park during WW11 (who prided themselves on decoding the most enigmatic of encrypted messages) by having a crack at deciphering the wondrous foreshortenings that are delivered to my handset via the aforementioned text facility.

That said, I for one am rather grateful that there is the also the additional option of something called ‘predictive text’, thus avoiding the need to convolute and contract particular words to appear ‘with-it’ (as I believe young folk say).

The unfortunate incident which I am about to recount owes its calamitous outcome entirely to this predictive text function.

Having got rather bogged down in my preparations for St Cliff’s forthcoming harvest festival service sermon (I had gone right ‘off piste’ attempting to make some sort of tenuous link between a box of maggot-infested apples gifted to us last year by our gardener, Mr Adams and the downfall of the world’s first man) I was very much relieved have have my deliberations interrupted by the arrival of a text message.

It was from none other than our less-than-melodious church organist, Mrs Higginbottom who, I should have twigged, would be no better at her telephonic keyboard skills than that of her musical ones.

Her message of ‘New convert at the Abbey!’ appeared to carry much urgency and I sensed that there was no time to waste if we were to be in with a chance of luring this fresh scalp into the precincts of St Cliff’s to become one of our ‘regulars’.

The Abbey in question was a local landmark but had been disused for quite some time so it was heartening to know that not only had this ancient building got a new lease of life but so had its new incumbent.

I’m not sure who was the more surprised by who (when the oaken front door was swung open) and I found myself confronted by none other than a nun, so to speak.

I will confess to being slightly taken aback initially but I soon regained my composure and launched forth into a full and comprehensive explanation of what being a Christian meant and closed with an invitation to one of our popular Pasta ‘n’ Praise evenings where I suggested there would be ample opportunity to find out how we Anglicans ‘tick’ and to find her feet as a fledgling Christian.

It is quite unlike me to go for the hard sell but a combination of this lady’s apparent reticence to take up my offer and my desperation to ‘up ‘our attendance tally at St Cliff’s rather pushed me over the edge and I found myself wedging my foot in the door (pushy salesman-style) and refusing to take no for an answer.

It was only the arrival of the local constabulary (and a stern warning that any more harassment of innocent women would see me up before the magistrate, dog collar or no) that I was brought to my senses.

I now discover (to my embarrassment) that what Mrs Higginbottom had indeed intended,  to text, and what she had actually texted (courtesy of the predictive facility and her famously erroneous finger work) were not one and the same thing.

In the same way that one semitone awry in her legendary and cacophonous rendition of ‘Amazing Grace’ is enough to misrepresent John Newton’s original intentions, so one letter out in her message similarly conveyed something altogether different from that which she intended.

Whilst I am indeed pleased that we now have a new convent in the locale it is unfortunate that I can now no longer grace its inhabitants with my presence for fear of summary arrest nor either can we expect an extra place to be taken in St Cliff’s sparsely-filled pews as a result of any purported new convert.

Onward and upward


You can also find me at http://www.derekthecleric.com 

Derek’s Definitions!

6 Aug

Dear Friends

You may (or may not) be aware that my ‘presence’ on the wondrous World Wide Super Highway extends beyond this humble ‘blog’ and encompasses the internet portals of both Twitter and Facebook (not forgetting my veritable web site of course).

Should you have the good fortune to be part of my ‘online congregation’ on the aforementioned Facebook you will be familiar with a regular feature of mine entitled ‘Derek’s Definitions’.

Being both a man of the word and a bit of a wordsmith, to boot, I hit upon the idea of giving new clever and witty (though I say so myself) definitions to the ecclesiastical and Christian vocabulary.

If perchance you have not stumbled across these gems of mine I have decided to ‘post’ one post-haste, so to speak.

That said, a quick visit to https://www.facebook.com/derektheclericsquirkyworld to ‘like’ my page will ensure access to my past outputs and guarantee a swift delivery of fresh material.


Onward and upward


You can also find me at http://www.derekthecleric.com

Derek's Definitions- Pulpit