Tag Archives: clergyman

Your help is needed!

2 Oct

Ask Derek

Dear friends, I need your help.

Having employed my veritable wisdom in my popular ‘Ask Derek‘ feature over the past few years the time is ripe to get my teeth into some more conundrums.

To that end, if you have a thorny biblical question for which you presently have no answer or perhaps there is a more general question on matters pertaining to life, the universe and everything, then help is at hand!

Simply let me know the question that is causing you consternation (you may use the ‘comment’ feature on this wondrous blog site) and I will select those which I consider to be of the greatest interest to the folk in my ‘online flock’ to answer.

I await your response with eager anticipation!

In the meantime why not check out my past ‘Ask Derek’ archive at… http://www.derekthecleric.com/ask

Onward and upward



You can also find me at www.derekthecleric.com


Derek’s Definitions: ABSOLUTION

30 Sep

Derek's Definitions- ABSOLUTION











You can also find me at www.derekthecleric.com


Salt in the wound!

28 Aug

Dear friends

Whilst I pride myself on my knowledge of the English language I confess to sometimes being a tad out of touch with common parlance.

Being situated in somewhat of a ‘backwater’, St Cliff’s (my veritable charge) is rarely graced with new faces thus an unexpected phone call from one of my regulars, with regard to her niece who had recently come to live with her, revived my soul greatly.

This young lady (a Christian) had secured a place at a college in the nearby metropolis and planned to forsake the rigours of staying in halls for the relative comfort (a little humour on my part) of her aunt’s comfy abode.

Excited that this young lady might make St Cliffs her spiritual home for the duration of her further education I probably wasn’t fully concentrating on the content of the phone conversation.

What I did grasp was her concern that the niece was rather shy but (not wanting to appear pushy) she asked me if it was a good idea if she came with her to see me tomorrow evening.

“Do you think I should take her to see you, or should I let her go alone?”

Well that is what I believed she said.

To be perfectly honest, whether the young lady came solo to pay me a visit (or with her aunt in tow) mattered little. Simply the notion that our weekly attendance at St Cliff’s might be swelled by one was enough for me.

Which is why the next evening I cleared my diary (I was certain St Cliff’s Committees Committee could survive without me) and waited in the church office in readiness to meet the aforementioned girl.

It was only when the hour hand on the office clock snuck past ten that it became obvious that I had waited in vain and that she was not coming.

A restless night ensued as I wrestled with both my disappointment at the potential loss of fresh blood in the church and my perplexity as to why the young lady was a ‘no show’.

I did not have long to wait for my answer. As I heaped an extra spoonful of Maxwell House instant coffee into my mug (in a bid to stave off the effects of my tortured night’s sleep) the manse telephone rang.

To my surprise it was the aunt. Before I had the opportunity to ask why I had been ‘stood up’ the previous night she launched into a tale of how her niece had not only joined the college Christian Union last night but that she had gone on her own.

Only then did the proverbial penny drop as to what had been meant by “Do you think I should take her to see you?”

What she did not mean was my good self but, in fact, the Christian Union or CU as I now learn it is generally referred to (in common parlance).

To add insult to injury I now find that this lady’s niece has decided to attend our local Methodist church (which boasts a lively youth group – ours resolutely refusing to break into double figures).

On top of which St Cliff’s Committees Committee was unable to vote on the motion at hand because it was short of a quorum by one person (namely yours truly) so to appease their ire I have agreed to attend their reconvened meeting to ensure that the motion is carried. That the vote pertained to the requisite numbers for a quorum is irony indeed!

It is but salt in the wound that I also discover this coincides with a visit by local ministers to ‘Freshers Week’ at the said college (aimed at attracting young folk to our various youth groups) and at which I am certain the Methodist church will now ‘clean up’.

Onward and upward


You can also find me at www.derekthecleric.com

Derek’s Jokes #11

5 Aug

Derek'S Jokes #11

Derek’s Definitions: Bumper bundle!

25 Nov

Dear friends

Not one, but four of my popular (well they are with me) ‘Derek’s Definitions’ for your delectation.

Generosity would appear to be my middle name.

Onward and upward


Derek's Definitions-Plagiarism Derek's Definitions- Pulpit Derek's Definitions-Lectern Derek's Definitions- FULL GOSPEL

Derek’s Definitions: CHRISTINGLE

15 Oct

Dear friends

If you aren’t yet following me on the Facebook internet portal you will probably not have had the pleasure of enjoying my witty and clever (well I like to think so) ‘Derek’s Definitions’ series of which this is one.

For your delectation I think I will pop them on my veritable ‘blog’ as a regular feature also.

Onward and upward


Post Scriptum. Should you wish to journey with me on Facebook, here is the link to my page https://www.facebook.com/derektheclericsquirkyworld

Derek's Definitions- Christingle

That was predictable!

3 Sep

Dear Friends

It may come as a surprise to you that, whilst I may have embraced the World Wide Super Highway as if it were a long lost friend, I confess to more than a little trepidation when faced with all things technological.

Whilst many now sport one of the ubiquitous ‘smart phones’ I still prefer my trusty Nokia 6216 Classic. That I am somewhat limited as to what I can do on my faithful telephonic friend, my pleasure at sending texts (something which my archaic ‘device’ does permit me) has not diminished.

You may think that someone such as myself, who has an inclination to be a tad verbose, would be put off by this form of ‘dumbed down’ communication. Not a bit of it!

I consider myself equal to the good folk at Bletchley Park during WW11 (who prided themselves on decoding the most enigmatic of encrypted messages) by having a crack at deciphering the wondrous foreshortenings that are delivered to my handset via the aforementioned text facility.

That said, I for one am rather grateful that there is the also the additional option of something called ‘predictive text’, thus avoiding the need to convolute and contract particular words to appear ‘with-it’ (as I believe young folk say).

The unfortunate incident which I am about to recount owes its calamitous outcome entirely to this predictive text function.

Having got rather bogged down in my preparations for St Cliff’s forthcoming harvest festival service sermon (I had gone right ‘off piste’ attempting to make some sort of tenuous link between a box of maggot-infested apples gifted to us last year by our gardener, Mr Adams and the downfall of the world’s first man) I was very much relieved have have my deliberations interrupted by the arrival of a text message.

It was from none other than our less-than-melodious church organist, Mrs Higginbottom who, I should have twigged, would be no better at her telephonic keyboard skills than that of her musical ones.

Her message of ‘New convert at the Abbey!’ appeared to carry much urgency and I sensed that there was no time to waste if we were to be in with a chance of luring this fresh scalp into the precincts of St Cliff’s to become one of our ‘regulars’.

The Abbey in question was a local landmark but had been disused for quite some time so it was heartening to know that not only had this ancient building got a new lease of life but so had its new incumbent.

I’m not sure who was the more surprised by who (when the oaken front door was swung open) and I found myself confronted by none other than a nun, so to speak.

I will confess to being slightly taken aback initially but I soon regained my composure and launched forth into a full and comprehensive explanation of what being a Christian meant and closed with an invitation to one of our popular Pasta ‘n’ Praise evenings where I suggested there would be ample opportunity to find out how we Anglicans ‘tick’ and to find her feet as a fledgling Christian.

It is quite unlike me to go for the hard sell but a combination of this lady’s apparent reticence to take up my offer and my desperation to ‘up ‘our attendance tally at St Cliff’s rather pushed me over the edge and I found myself wedging my foot in the door (pushy salesman-style) and refusing to take no for an answer.

It was only the arrival of the local constabulary (and a stern warning that any more harassment of innocent women would see me up before the magistrate, dog collar or no) that I was brought to my senses.

I now discover (to my embarrassment) that what Mrs Higginbottom had indeed intended,  to text, and what she had actually texted (courtesy of the predictive facility and her famously erroneous finger work) were not one and the same thing.

In the same way that one semitone awry in her legendary and cacophonous rendition of ‘Amazing Grace’ is enough to misrepresent John Newton’s original intentions, so one letter out in her message similarly conveyed something altogether different from that which she intended.

Whilst I am indeed pleased that we now have a new convent in the locale it is unfortunate that I can now no longer grace its inhabitants with my presence for fear of summary arrest nor either can we expect an extra place to be taken in St Cliff’s sparsely-filled pews as a result of any purported new convert.

Onward and upward


You can also find me at http://www.derekthecleric.com