Tag Archives: comedy

Your help is needed!

2 Oct

Ask Derek

Dear friends, I need your help.

Having employed my veritable wisdom in my popular ‘Ask Derek‘ feature over the past few years the time is ripe to get my teeth into some more conundrums.

To that end, if you have a thorny biblical question for which you presently have no answer or perhaps there is a more general question on matters pertaining to life, the universe and everything, then help is at hand!

Simply let me know the question that is causing you consternation (you may use the ‘comment’ feature on this wondrous blog site) and I will select those which I consider to be of the greatest interest to the folk in my ‘online flock’ to answer.

I await your response with eager anticipation!

In the meantime why not check out my past ‘Ask Derek’ archive at… http://www.derekthecleric.com/ask

Onward and upward

Derek

 

You can also find me at www.derekthecleric.com

Derek’s Definitions: ABSOLUTION

30 Sep

Derek's Definitions- ABSOLUTION

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You can also find me at www.derekthecleric.com

 

Salt in the wound!

28 Aug

Dear friends

Whilst I pride myself on my knowledge of the English language I confess to sometimes being a tad out of touch with common parlance.

Being situated in somewhat of a ‘backwater’, St Cliff’s (my veritable charge) is rarely graced with new faces thus an unexpected phone call from one of my regulars, with regard to her niece who had recently come to live with her, revived my soul greatly.

This young lady (a Christian) had secured a place at a college in the nearby metropolis and planned to forsake the rigours of staying in halls for the relative comfort (a little humour on my part) of her aunt’s comfy abode.

Excited that this young lady might make St Cliffs her spiritual home for the duration of her further education I probably wasn’t fully concentrating on the content of the phone conversation.

What I did grasp was her concern that the niece was rather shy but (not wanting to appear pushy) she asked me if it was a good idea if she came with her to see me tomorrow evening.

“Do you think I should take her to see you, or should I let her go alone?”

Well that is what I believed she said.

To be perfectly honest, whether the young lady came solo to pay me a visit (or with her aunt in tow) mattered little. Simply the notion that our weekly attendance at St Cliff’s might be swelled by one was enough for me.

Which is why the next evening I cleared my diary (I was certain St Cliff’s Committees Committee could survive without me) and waited in the church office in readiness to meet the aforementioned girl.

It was only when the hour hand on the office clock snuck past ten that it became obvious that I had waited in vain and that she was not coming.

A restless night ensued as I wrestled with both my disappointment at the potential loss of fresh blood in the church and my perplexity as to why the young lady was a ‘no show’.

I did not have long to wait for my answer. As I heaped an extra spoonful of Maxwell House instant coffee into my mug (in a bid to stave off the effects of my tortured night’s sleep) the manse telephone rang.

To my surprise it was the aunt. Before I had the opportunity to ask why I had been ‘stood up’ the previous night she launched into a tale of how her niece had not only joined the college Christian Union last night but that she had gone on her own.

Only then did the proverbial penny drop as to what had been meant by “Do you think I should take her to see you?”

What she did not mean was my good self but, in fact, the Christian Union or CU as I now learn it is generally referred to (in common parlance).

To add insult to injury I now find that this lady’s niece has decided to attend our local Methodist church (which boasts a lively youth group – ours resolutely refusing to break into double figures).

On top of which St Cliff’s Committees Committee was unable to vote on the motion at hand because it was short of a quorum by one person (namely yours truly) so to appease their ire I have agreed to attend their reconvened meeting to ensure that the motion is carried. That the vote pertained to the requisite numbers for a quorum is irony indeed!

It is but salt in the wound that I also discover this coincides with a visit by local ministers to ‘Freshers Week’ at the said college (aimed at attracting young folk to our various youth groups) and at which I am certain the Methodist church will now ‘clean up’.

Onward and upward

Derek

You can also find me at www.derekthecleric.com

Derek’s Jokes #11

5 Aug

 
Derek'S Jokes #11

Does God LOL?

25 Jul

PP 178x110mm 12mmDear Friends

It may come as a surprise to you that this humble clergyman was asked (last year) to contribute to veritable tome entitled ‘Does God LOL?’ 

If you have not yet yet splashed out for this excellent book (in aid of a most worthy charity called Mary’s Meals, I hasten to add) allow me to give you a sneak preview of  my contribution in the hope that you may wish to part with your hard-earned cash and buy it. 

So here it is!

 

‘Dear friends

What a privilege it is for this humble clergyman to have been asked to contribute to this veritable tome and more so that I find myself in the company of so many comedic luminaries.

Whilst I am more than prepared to have a stab at lightening your countenance a tad I am sure that the chief reason for my being included is to bring a little gravitas to the question posed: ‘Does God LOL?’.

That said, I will confess to once concocting a ‘gag’ (as I believe it is called in the business) and it would be remiss of me to let the moment pass without recounting it. Who knows where this might lead should the likes of my fellow contributors such as Mr Ken Dodd or Mr Tim Vine chance upon my proffering and give me the proverbial ‘thumbs up’?

It would surely be a feather in my cap at the local ministers’ fraternal where my regular attempts to interject a spot of humour (to oil the somewhat rusty wheels of ecumenism) usually go down about as well as someone bringing a ‘tongue’ at St.Cliff’s.

Those of you who have followed my journey for some time will be aware that it was with much trepidation that I entered onto the World Wide Super Highway and I am still somewhat ‘wet behind the ears’ when it comes to the popular vocabulary employed by my fellow travellers.

Thus it was my good lady wife who helpfully enlightened me as to the meaning of the appendage ‘LOL’ but not before I had got myself in a bit of a pickle with a message on the Facebook internet portal to old Mr McMurtry (a crusty and cantankerous member of my charge;St.Cliff’s).

Having given much of his time and effort to picking holes in my weekly sermons he ‘messaged’ my good self to inform me that my apparently erroneous theology had finally driven him to pack his proverbial bags and to seek pastures new.

Having recently preached on forgiveness (chiefly for my own benefit to assuage the ire of the fearsome matriarchs of St.Cliff’s kitchens after I inadvertently forgot to return a Brillo Pad which I purloined in the services of removing some graffiti to a sign outside our church – one particular member of my team did not appreciate the addition of the letter ‘R’ to the end of the warning; ‘SOFT VERGE’) I had little choice but to send him on his way with my blessing (and love, or so I thought).

It was only later that I discovered that ‘LOL’ does not in fact stand for Lots of Love (as I had imagined) but Laugh Out Loud.

Having ‘signed off’ my reply to old Mr McMurtry with the aforementioned ‘LOL’ (in all innocence) I was therefore somewhat surprised to find a response, by return, recanting his previous exit strategy and informing me that he was now staying put to spite me for my insensitive ‘LOL’, albeit it inadvertent on my part.

It would appear that I, like St.Paul, must also endure a ‘thorn in the flesh’ (in my case, in the guise of old Mr McMurtry).

Anyway, without further ado, here is my aforementioned ‘gag’ .

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”

“That is not the question rather, what on earth was the chicken doing in the story of the Good Samaritan in the first place?”

I will admit that my humour may be a little too clever for some but I trust that, with time, the penny will drop and the joke will be got.

So, to the question at hand – ‘Does God LOL?’.

In that God called someone like me to be a veritable minister of the gospel I can only conclude that he most assuredly does.

Onward and upward

Derek’

 

 You can also find me at www.derekthecleric.com

A new feature!

3 Feb

Dear friends

My clerical creative juices have been flowing once again and I have come up with a new feature for your delectation.

It is entitled ‘Church Speak’.

There is assuredly more where this gem came from. Enjoy!

Onward and upward

Derek

Derek's the Cleric's CHURCH SPEAK_FINE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You can also find me at http://www.derekthecleric.com

Derek’s Photos:Cash back!

16 Jan

OFFERINGYou can also find me at http://www.derekthecleric.com

 

Derek’s Take on…

31 Oct

Dear friends,

Here is another proffering in my new-ish ‘Derek’s Take on…’ series.

Onward and upward

Derek

Derek's Take On….The first shall be last

You can also find me at  http://www.facebook.com/derektheclericsquirkyworld

Socks with sandals!

30 Oct

Dear friends

Having shared of late  the odd question or two fired at me from my ‘public’, I am reminded of a pertinent poser that came my way during the summer. It was this: “Is wearing socks with open-toed sandals still the summer dress code for Christian men?”

Here was my considered reply.

‘A jolly pertinent question bearing in mind the recent spell of clement weather we have enjoyed in this fair isle but one that will certainly hit a raw nerve as far as my good lady wife is concerned.

Whilst I endeavour to be ‘cutting edge’ in certain matters (we now have an overhead projector at St. Cliff’s added to which I am seriously considering replacing the dial-up facility on my computer with something called broadband) when it comes to my wardrobe I am perhaps not quite as ‘with it’ as perhaps she would like.

That said, it is not for the want of trying.

Once, in a bid to be all things to all people I adorned my personage with one of the ubiquitous W.W.J.D. bracelets in an attempt to denote complicity with the youth of St.Cliff’s.
My downfall was assuming it to be some sort of rubbery (and stretchy) trendy clerical collar and only after all but choking myself to an inch of my life was I duly enlightened as to its intended location on the human form.

Thus you will not need to be Sherlock Holmes to conclude that fashion sense and this humble clergyman are not particularly well acquainted.
It will come as no surprise also to discover that the raw nerve I mentioned at the outset is none other than the fashion crime alluded to in your question.
In my defence, if it were not for the painful pedal affliction of bunions I would be more than prepared to consider forsaking the comfort of wearing ankle socks with my summer sandals if it lessened my good lady wife’s embarrassment at my choice of seasonal attire.

That it is a condition which St.Cliff’s prayer ministry team has yet to crack leaves me with little choice once again as to my summer footwear options.

I trust that my answer (whilst no doubt offering little solace to those who would prefer such iconic Christian stereotyping to be cast into a certain fiery lake) is of some help.

I note that whilst the question you raised is an indication that our views on this matter perhaps differ somewhat I am heartened by the fact that you did not ask as to my opinion on whether or not Christians should adorn the rear windows of their automobiles with the ever-popular rainbow-coloured ‘fish’ badge.

I can only conclude that your silence on this matter indicates that whilst we may be at odds as to the matter of dress code we can at least agree upon the ‘Highway Code’ for Christians.

Post Scriptum: Whilst I would not claim to be the Jean Paul Gaultier of Christian fashion you will be pleased to know that I have dipped my be-socked toe into this heady world and you can now purchase a tee-shirt with my visage upon it (via this handy link):

http://www.cpo-online.org.uk/product.aspx?prod=Y3689TS&cat=616′

Onward and upward

Derek

You can also find me at  www.facebook.com/derektheclericsquirkyworld

Another Powerpoint fail!

25 Oct

Derek Photo_ 666You can also find me at  http://www.facebook.com/derektheclericsquirkyworld